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Sports Horoscope

with Eyeda

If today is your birthday: The moon is in the sky, the sun is warm and tomorrow you will be hungover
Today marks the beginning of the new you as you embark on a wonderful exercise program. Tomorrow finds the new you hunched over and puking amid the thought ‘What the hell was I thinkin’? I can barely touch my knees. The only way I’ll ever touch my toes is with a stick!’

You will spice up your sex life by giving Viagra a try. Things go well until the dog gets into your stash. Start wearing shin pads.

Virgo and Leo figure prominently in your day. You’ll spend loads of money entertaining them, taking them to shows, and, in general, showing off with them. As Leo and Virgo are your pet Dalmatians, you have no real friends and are a sad, sad case. Get a life!

You’re the worst player on the team (and you didn’t need a horoscope to tell you that.)

You need a shower, and shower day is not till next week. Postpone appointments unless they’re over the phone. No public appearances. And for gawd’s sake, change that cloth! You’re a sumo wrestler, dammit.

Friends are confused over your choice of new swimsuit. The colors are fine, the material is fine; it’s just the two-piece style that’s kinda strange. I mean, you are a guy.

You discover the secret to overcoming your fear of being hit by a foul ball. You set up your lawn chair behind 2nd base.

Be adventurous today. Go to the park. Run after a Frisbee. Chase a kite. Bite an old man. Wait, hold on a minute, you’re not a rabid dog. Sorry ‘bout that. Stay home.

It’s difficult not to complain. They won’t let you play. They say you’re not good enough. They say you stink. They say “go home!” Forget about them. What do a bunch of Little Leaguers know? Drive over their bicycles. Heh heh.

You're fat.

You get no respect. You were a star in track at college and decide to go to Hollywood to audition for a role as an ex-athlete. Instead, they cast you as ‘The Ground’ in a play called ‘The Javelin Thrower’. Your acting future looks spotty at best.

You decide to take more chances in your sport. The good news? You buy sharper skates, a stronger stick and a sleeker helmet. The bad news? You’re a swimmer.

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